It's been two days, I've been thinking a lot about it since then. I was leaning towards contacting my T again. I talked about it to a friend and she gave advice similar to what Daisymay in this thread gave me. I still didn't contact my T after that, I stil didn't know if I should really do it. Something still held me back.

I also talked to some other friends yesterday and the day before. It wasn't easy, but I knew I had to do it. This is the perfect situation to do my "homework". I still don't feel very comfortable doing it, but I did alright. My T would be proud. I am proud. And it helped, I'm feeling a little better. I can think clearer.

I'm even leaning towards not contacting my T now. Maybe I can get through this without his help. Everytime I think such a thing, it hurts. I think it hurts to acknowledge that maybe I can manage on my own. Why does that hurt? It doesn't make sense. It also makes me so angry. Why is that? Is it my kid part that's angry at the mature me? The mature me will do just fine but the kid in me needs her T? And maybe even tricks the mature me into contacting her T again?

There is still something to say pro seeing my T. When termination came up, I wanted to space sessions, to slowly get used to life without therapy. That didn't work because I couldn't let my T go when he was still my safety net. It had to be one way or the other. Emotionally, that was the best. I'm not over him, but it's not like it was two months ago. Maybe now is the time to start phasing therapy out. To get my life together with his support and slowly merging into life without therapy. I'll have to set boundaries though, in order not to get so attached again.

As you can see, I'm still so very conflicted. I hope you have some advice me for me. I could really really use it!