I tried reaching out for help about my self harm, but they deleted my thread. They also deleted my suicidal threads in the past when I was really wanting help.

I have some people I can talk to about anything, especially one in particular. But I don't like opening up to them, despite them wanting me to. The reason for that is because I feel like I'm annoying them with my issues. And I just don't want to drive them away with my depression. I don't know, it's just how I unfortunately am.

Well, to start off I've started cutting myself a couple months ago. I haven't done it in a while, but I want to so bad. There's just so much s--- going on here. My mom has convinced everyone she's associated with that I'm a psycho spoiled b----. Even those that have witnessed some of her malicious acts of pure retardation (including my f---ing brother) just blindly believe her, and they haven't even heard my side.

There are times when it get's to me, and others when it doesn't. But it's all a result of me holding it in. I just put on a neutral smirk, and pretend that what they say has no affect on me, but inside I'm going crazy to the point of slowly decaying.

When I cut, it hurts my girlfriend, and I feel really bad that it does. Which is why I feel terrible for planning to do it after I graduate job corps. It's just with everything I hold in, it has to come out eventually. This is just the way I happen to let it. I really hate lying to her, I can't stand it, but I've already decided to just hide it from her when I do it again. It just helps so much. But I feel like I should tell her. I feel she deserves to know but I just can't.

I feel like s--- so much. I can be happy for a bit, but then right back to depression.

Sorry if I typed too much. -_-