Tried to talk about it... tried to forget about it... tried to minimize its impact ... tried to minimize the pain... tried to blame it on myself.

And the only thing that is working is me saying that it is all my fault.



It had to have been my fault. I'm a bad person. I'm confusing myself. I just want the pain to go away. So scared to talk about it... hurts too much. Keep flinching whenever people touch me anywhere close to there now.

Need to deal with it but all I want to do is forget.

Please just let me forget.

But I can't because now people say that this could be one of the reasons why I have such difficulty trusting, that it could be part of the reason I SI ... and it wont go away until I deal with what happened.

And the only people I can talk to are you all.

I feel so guilty. Stupid body for reacting. Stupid mind for not forgetting. Stupid me for letting it happen.

I have to live with this every time I see him now...

I refuse to say he's related to me in any way. I refuse to think of him in a positive manner. He's a sick guy who infects everyone around him with negativity, forces them to deal with his drinking. Controlling, hurting and always so loud. But he only ever touched me. Why is that? What did I do wrong. I know I'm bad and a burden and horrible, but why me. Dont wish it on anyone else, but WHY.

And it wasn't even that bad. Not anything as bad as most of you have experienced. I should stop complaining.

But I hurt so much right now and I dont know how to fix it. Drink it away. Cut out the badness. Cry ... drown myself in tears. Nothing like that will work.

Numb. Please just let my emotions be numb.

No more emotions, please.