How to get out pesky fabric stains:

BLOOD - spill more blood around the area of the stain so it won't stand out so much.

INK - Fall to knees and plead, "Why, G-d, Why? Why dost thou test me so?

MUD - Place large iron-on NASCAR patch over the stain. Apply heat for 60 seconds.

TOMATO SAUCE - Take out the mook responsible for your tomato sauce stain by executing him gangland-style. Capeche?

COFFEE - Rub cream and sugar into the stain. Apply oral suction. Enjoy rich, robust coffee-stain flavor.

WINE - Apply mixture of 1/2 rum and 1/2 coke to self until you no longer care about some freaking stain.

CHEWING GUM - Use permanent marker, draw dotted line around the stain. Cut carefully on dotted line.

NAIL POLISH - Nail polish stains are actually quite lovely. Why not leave them in for a pleasing "homecrafted" look?