I will be opening up the package from my ex-T this Wednesday to see what the object is. I'm so excited and so nervous!

But new T wants me to open it in front of her. This scares me. I'm probably going to cry either happy tears or sad tears or both. But I don't want to cry in front of new T. I have already cried a little in front of her and I was extremely uncomfortable. I felt no empathy, no connection or comfort. We sit so far away from each other and that bothers me. And she didn't even offer a tissue! I have a weird issue with tissues, and it makes me miss ex-T every time I use them.

So I either cry and be uncomfortable or try to suppress my emotions. That sucks though. I want to fully experience opening this package. I want to be allowed to feel whatever it is that I'm feeling. I owe that to myself. But if I feel forced to suppress my emotions, I miss out on this special situation.

I don't know what to do. I do plan on emailing my T tomorrow. There has to be another alternative. Maybe she will be willing to make adjustments to make me more comfortable? Or maybe she'll agree to let me open it on my own? Or is there something different that I could do? Idk!

All I know is that I want the object so badly. The wait is killing me. I touch the package everyday and try to feel what's inside. I hope it's her book that she used to let me borrow. I dream about how much it would mean to possess that. And it would mean ex-T does care and does love me. I want that so bad. Then maybe one day she'll be willing to be in my life again.

I don't want my new T to ruin this for me.