Hathi, I am sorry about all your losses and disappointments. Sounds like they have had a cumulative affect and you seem to be trying to self medicate with alcohol. You are wise not to have an affair with the flirty person in the program. That can hurt self esteem and may trigger other emotions.

What about seeing a psych doc to get diagnosis and medicine and see if that along with stopping alcohol will help. Thinking of self harm is a warning sign that something is amiss and might be the sign it is time to get a therapist to deal with this building wall of loss. Avoiding self harm alleviates a lot of guilt and shame associated with scarring and loss of self confidence.

No one but you can decide what to do, but metaphorically it sounds like the house is on fire and you need to get that under control before you do anything. If you have the time before you need to decide, fine. If not, postponing something may be needed unless doing therapy and changing your lifestyle can be done with your internship. Maybe the internship itself is stress laden. That flirty guy seems like he could be an abusive force in your life just from the verbal abuse. If so and he is actively involved with the internship program, this may be a big red flag of danger.

Glad you are joining us here. Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.