Hello All --

On Sunday, I was supposed to go to a potluck supper and prayer circle. A half-hour before leaving, I copped out.

Two people I know well were in town, after moving away a year ago. I looked forward to it. A friend emailed, asking where I'd been. The visitors wanted to see me, too, apparently. I wasn't even courteous enough to call and let anyone know I wasn't coming.

We weren't having a subtropical late afternoon downpour that floods the roads. I wasn't ill, tired, or busy. I've done things like this in the past, and one time I was ranked out by a person for being so discourteous. I'd be miffed if someone did this to me.

I am coming off of several years of paralyzing depression. I wasn't always this way, but a lot of my previous sociability was alcohol-fueled, or I was part of a couple, and that made getting out easier. After some introspection, I feel two underlying currents. First, low self-esteem: no one will miss me, it doesn't matter whether I go or not. Second, anxiety, close to fear but not panic.

I make up all kinds of excuses:
<ul type="square">
I don't feel like it (after looking forward to it for a week, and I still think I should have);[/list]<ul type="square">I'm not sure where the apartment is (the directions were clear; I always get where I need to go);[/list]<ul type="square">I'm going to be late (no one would care);[/list]<ul type="square">I don't like the prayer circle so much (it's brief, and that wasn't the point of going); and so forth.[/list]Excuses -- not good reasons.

I wish I could figure out why I do this -- the last-minute cop out, the rudeness of not even calling. And how do I get myself to stop? It's so last-minute; my mind plays tricks and the excuses seem reasonable at the time that I go through this experience. I hadn't been debating with myself throughut the week about whether to go or not; I wanted to go.

Idas anyone?