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Old Jun 15, 2015, 03:11 PM
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Hashi/bipolar mom Hashi/bipolar mom is offline
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Member Since: May 2015
Location: Somewhere over the rainbow...
Posts: 672
Hi guys! My last manic episode was a month ago and as some of you know, I got a DWI and was suicidal. I actually rushed the police in the police station, hoping they would use their guns and kill me. Instead they used their stun guns twice. One couldn't take me down. Nice....right. Bleh

Anyway, I'm married and we've been together 17 years. Now that I've been diagnosed as Bipolar it explains alot about me, not just bad, but good as well. It's what made me very successful in my career. I closed my agency two years ago when we moved to a new city for my husbands dream job. I haven't worked since and nor have I been to AA since we moved here. AA is very different here than where I was from. While I was drinking as an alcoholic 8 years ago, I did a lot of hurtful things. I tried killing myself with xanax and tons of alcohol at a park. I woke up the next morning....couldn't believe it and was beside myself. As I drove home I got arrested for my 1st DWI. I went into an even deeper downward spiral because I really didn't want to be here. I ended up cheating for 6 months and then went into rehab. I was sober 4.5 years.

My husband has stayed with me through all of this. I'm a totally different person when I'm not manic or drinking (which is most of the time). I go through long periods between my manic episodes.

This DWI has just DEVASTATED me! It's humbled me like never before. I'm now being taken off Cymbalta, and they are adding Lithium in its place. I'm a wreck. Here is the hard part.....my husband is saying hurtful things. It's like out of nowhere he says things that cut to the bone. Then an hour later he tells me he loves me. However, when he is telling me how much I've done and changed our relationship (which he is right), I want to go to all the suicide letters and things to use to kill myself that are hidden and just be done. I feel broken and worthless.

We started watching a new series from Starz and it had beautiful music and romance. I told him it reminded me when we first met and how we would cuddle and listen to Enya (I know Corny) and how romantic it was in our young lives. He said, yeah before you ruined it all. I was crushed and went to bed and just cried. I don't know why I'm here. I just feel like I can't be fixed or the damage repaired.

Thanks for listening.
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Hashi/Bipolar Mom

300mg Lamictal
1800mg Gabapentin
10mg Memantine (weaning off)
.6mg Clonidine (for sleep and anxiety)
40mg Propanol (for sleep)
3 mg Xanax
10mg Saphris
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