Logically I know seeing her is a really bad idea, for practical and theoretical reasons, ex. the repressed memory stuff, some other "energy therapy" that she does (tapping) that I firmly believe is pseudoscience, the fact that her method involves a lot of "psychoeducation" which is something I know really annoyed me with my former T, the fact that my current T worked for her awhile ago taking care of her disabled son and thus they know each other very well on a personal level, the fact that I know of several of her other clients and their experiences in therapy with her...all of these are signs that I absolutely should not go see her, because there are just too many caveats. It would also make it more difficult for me to separate from my current T, since I would feel like there is still a connection between us through referral T, and I feel like if I really missed current T, I might spend a lot of time fishing for information about current T from referral T, and that would be a waste of my time and money.

BUT when I talked to referral T on the phone yesterday, regardless of our theoretical and practical areas of disagreement, I really, really liked her, and felt comfortable talking to her, and shared a lot of really personal/distressing things with her. This might be because I felt like I sort of already knew her and her style/personality, based on what current T told me and what I already knew from other sources. But we had a really good talk. And then after we were done talking, I felt really, really anxious and upset and destabilized and like I needed to talk to current T right that very second to sort through my distressing feelings. And I think if I am this upset/destabilized after talking to her on the phone for half an hour, I am going to be WAY more upset/destabilized if I actually started seeing her. So I know logically it's a bad idea.

But the emotional part of me wants to. Because when current T explained her reasons for recommending referral T, she said it's because she is nurturing, warm, caring, and (explicitly) knows how to deal with maternal transference (and also is quite likely to evoke it, which current T thought would be healing for me to have that sort of relationship with someone safe and then move forward with my life after having that experience). And I want that so, so badly, to have that experience with someone. And I think this T would be able to give it to me, because she has given it to the two former clients that I know of, and I get the sense she gave that sort of experience to my current T too (current T is only a couple years older than referral T's son who she looked after). So I know I could have that if I wanted it. But I don't think it would be any good for me. There are too many red flags here. But how can I say no to something I have yearned for for so long, to have someone help me heal my mother wound? I am so upset and confused, and if I feel this way now, imagine how I would feel if I started seeing her...I am just so confused and I don't know what to do. Current T thinks this T would be good for me. Emotionally, I want to see her, but I think the smart part of me knows I can't. I feel stuck.