I after 11yrs changed the time -by an hour only - of one of my weekly seasons. Was it just that? Or was this memory using that as a tool to escape?
I am talking, T gently smiles, I ask her what the smile means? T replys - I guess I'm trying to say is not important - I was rambling on about work colleagues - I immediately feel exposed.

Last night I email T telling her my disguise of silence wasnt managed by me very well that day. By talking I showed her I have nothing to say of interest.
T replys she didn't intend to not value what I was saying. I reply, you miss the point, I have no value.
T says whether it was the change of time (a small change can send me of in to a million pieces) or something she did, but it seems I lost my sense of self.
I ask her what does that mean?
She replys, if a babies environment (mainly the mother) doesn't mirror/reflect back, than the baby loses its sense of self. It doesn't exist.
As soon as I read that I realise I had been in one of my 'in it' modes. I see suddenly the truth in that. I feel the gut wrenching fear of ceasing to exist when my mother (s) abandon me.
I see it was there, I unconsciously carried that with me into T and IT uses any 'mistake' T may make to come to life. The change in time being the first ingredient.
I reply saying "uh oh I see it now, I think I was in one of my 'in it' states.
T says yes, I think you were. That is a lonely and harsh place to be.
That moment of flashback to a very early experience feels surreal.