I’m new at this forum and this is long. Since this has been going on for years I must give a background before coming to the current situation.

BACKGROUND

• · I was a fairly good student but had issues with body weight with constantly being teased for being fat. I had one or two friends but suffered from communication and esteem issues (not just because of my body image) to really talk with anyone.
• · Both my parents were working and I had to spend a lot of time alone or with relatives who would emotionally neglect me or be really rude.
• · My parents love me but really had so much going on that they couldn’t talk or spend much time with me. They are also not much aware of emotional issues a person can deal with.
• · When I was about 11 there was a change in school timings and I started to strike against going to school and even attempting to poison myself because of the consequences.
• · My school arranged for me to come to the school as per the previous timing and because of my mother’s plight I started going to school again and eventually performing well again
• · By the time I was finishing school I started having problems with sleep. I used to remain awake till early hours and then have difficulty in waking up for the school.
• · I never used to go out to play or meet with friends and hardly exercised. And then something strange started to happen.
• · I started to imagine characters, especially boys, with some specific characteristics (all of them are rich, popular with some great talent, lonely with troubled childhoods or without parental care and take special interest in me).
• · I used to imagine lots of situations as if they actually exist in my school or elsewhere and the kind of interaction that go on between me and them.
• · Once I get to talk with my parents I would tell these ‘stories’ to them and force them to listen even for hours. The ‘awe’ they would feel listening to these extraordinary characters and me being friends with ‘them’ would give me elation as if I’m actually living these stories.
• · Within a year the habit got much worse and I spent all my time on imagining these characters, incidents in their life and having romantic and sexual relations with them and tell the stories (except for the romance and sexual part) to my parents.
• · A lot of time it will be about me being teased or neglected or tested in some ways and these ‘boys’ coming to my rescue and preferring me over others.
• · I even started to wave imaginary goodbyes and stuff and that’s when people around me started getting suspicious.
• · I completely lost interest in studies and underperformed in school finals. Suddenly I decided I needed to change schools and did exactly that.
• · However the issue only got worse along with me exhibiting depressive symptoms such as problems with eating, sleep, anxiety, lost interest etc. Studies got out of hand and I got scared about underperforming and started to strike against going to school again.
• · I would lock myself in my room; constantly imagine stuff by pacing around the room listening to music or something else and never come out until after school hours despite parents almost knocking down the door.
• · I ended dropping out of school.
• · When I was finally taken for psychiatric treatment I was diagnosed with depression and medication was given. However the same problem kept happening and I lost a few years and kept changing schools and colleges.
• · The only thing that improved was my eating habits and sleeping.
• · Now my parents are at home with me and I talk to them a lot on many issues.

CURRENT

• · I’m finishing my graduation via correspondence which means I’m spending most of my time at home.
• · I still invent characters, pace around imagining and talk about them although not as obsessively as I used to. They are still ‘rich, cool and take unique interest in me bordering on a sympathetic ‘romantic-sexual’ thing’.
• · Mostly I follow a couple of movie stars and TV characters. I obsessively read about them online, post on forums relating to them and constantly imagine myself to be in sexual situations and some twisted affair with them.
• · I also pace around listening to some music and imagine myself to be the movie star.
• · My ‘fandom’ is not really about their work but rather on what others think of them or the general opinion about them. Actually that affects me a lot and basically I troll a lot in such forums.
• · This along with fiction reading and an occasional game or two makes up my internet activity which takes up most of my time.
• · Even though attendance is not a problem I still find it hard to focus on studies and get very anxious and distressed during exams. This in turn leads to depressive episodes where I complain a lot and stay upset and feel worthless.
• · Even before the day of exam I would be watching TV or on internet all night just because I can’t stand the thought of taking up exams.
• · I’ve continued seeing psychiatrists and therapists although had to keep changing them. During the last visit to my current doctor my parents were told that – ‘I may have depression but mostly I’m lazy with disinterest in studies or employment for some reason’. This has got me worried because the same misunderstanding is the reason I had to change doctors over the years. It makes me feel more worthless and suffer from guiltiness. They also seem to feel I have some problem but I’m also mostly just lazy and distracted.
• · The thing is no one is forcing me to study or try for a job and I’m doing it for my own benefit. How can that be disinterest? Yes I’m distracted but I’ve never felt I’m being that way deliberately.
• · I’ve never been in a relationship and suffer from diabetes (hereditary).

I’m from a country where mental health is a costly affair and still considered a taboo. I really don’t understand what my actual problem is and wary of changing doctors (there aren’t many). I would really like advice and opinions on whether I really might be going through something requiring outside help or is it something I’ve to deal by myself. Please feel free to ask for any more information.

Thanks