I have lost all motivation. My clinical depression (anxiety & ptsd) drain every ounce of energy & motivation completely out of me. I have been unemployed for 4 months, I quit real estate school after completing 5 of the 6 courses. Some days I don't get out of bed at all. Not even to shower. I simply don't see the point. I have tried eating healthy, exercising, vitamins, nootropics (cognitive supplements), antidepressants, mood stabilizers, praying, yoga, meditating, counseling, equine therapy/hobbies, reading, possible food sensitivities, and just about everything else. I feel like my life is on hold while everyone else is out living their's. Looking back on the past 4 years I haven't Accomplished any of my goals. I can't keep a job because I cant get out of bed. I was denied social security disability and my debt is over my head. The reason I havent ended my life is because of the love and support from my devoted bpyfriend of 3 years, my parents and my 2 year old rescue Pit Bull/Bull Terrier Mix Nala. I have seen every Dr, taken every pill and read every book. I feel like joy, peace and contentment are unattainable for me. The only thing that keeps me going are stimulants but I have an addictive personality so i always end up abusing them then crashing for days in bed and losing my job and fighting with my boyfriend. Energy drinks, Adderall, Adrafanil and whatever stimulant I can obtain. I take 3-4 times the recommended dosage and feel happy, productive and optimistic for 2-3 hours. Once that wired, "cracked-out", High wears off I feel empty, suicidal, exhausted, paranoid, restless and full of self-hatred. So, I drink more caffeine & take more pills & feel great again. As a result, Im up all night & groggy in the morning, which leads to taking even more pills. This is the vicious cycle Ive been spiraling downward in for 4 years now. Im 22 years old. I constantly feel that Im missing out on life. I have a phobia of aging & death. I cry every night when the sun begins to set because its a reminder of the inevitable: time passing and my life getting shorter and closer to ending. I feel as if I have to be productive every second of every day or else Im "wasting my life." if i oversleep or take a nap I tell myself that I am worthless, lazy and throwing my life away. The saying "youre only young once" keeps me up at night. I have a feeling of chronic emptiness. The short moments of happiness i experience are so brief and temporary and come purely from external things. I am constantly searching for more and more but they always run out. I feel like others are able to find joy from within themselves. I want that. I am told that only comes from God. I pray to him daily, read His word & go to church. I feel like i will never be happy or content in life and I will waste my whole life trying to find that. I feel as though no one could possibly understand how I feel. I want to get better. I want to be happy and live my life to the fullest. My biggest fear is being old and looking back on my life regretting all the days I wasted crying in bed. I'm considering medicinal marijuana in low doses. I live in Texas though. I just hate that I always feel so lonely, empty, hopeless and scared. I WANT to live & be happy. I do not want to end my life. I have so many goals!!! I want to travel, play the piano, sing, run marathons, become a fitness legend, become a professional horse rider, save abused pit bulls, own a house, understand nutrition, marry my amazing boyfriend, and just live life. I dont want to spend my life on the couch watching tv and watch everyone else live theirs. I am so restless. I know theres hope. I just dont know where or how. Thank you so much for reading (listening).
❤Theres_Always_Hope

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