Day after tomorrow is The Session. The session after I handed him 16 pages of poetry. I sort of want to crawl under a very small space and die for a little while, knowing that by now, he has probably read everything.

Why am I horrified? Well let's visit some of the subject matter covered in my poems:

- a reference to him %#@&#! his wife; this came after a particularly transference-charged session in which I told him I hated his wedding ring. Oh, I'm sorry... I say reference? No, it's a line that blatantly states, "You are probably %#@&#! your wife."
- more about hating the ring.
- a dream I had in which I attack his wife; fortunately, the fact that it is his wife I am referring to, is not apparent in the poem.
- references to how I idealize him
- many references to my more 'promiscous' days, all of them fairly raw. No censorship there.
- an entire poem entitled "instructions on how not to cry in front of your analyst." Hmmm... maybe he won't figure out what this one is about.
- poems describing and interpreting dreams

And this only highlights some of it. I'm sure the 1st one on the list should go over real well. He told I could say anything. I am only following the instructions properly, lol.

Part of me is eager because I obviously wanted this step to take place. However, I am also impulsive and do things in excess without thinking it over beforehand.

I am very nervous. I sort of want to walk in, sit down, and say, "Ok, now you know... and I already know... So don't talk about it."

It could be argued that unconsciously I was ready to give this all up to him. However, it can also be argued that I am so impulsive, that my unconscious has not caught up to my impulsivity. Hence, I do things without being ready for them. Maybe I'm not ready for any of this. Or maybe I need that push because I'm so resistant, I'm not going anywhere. Like last session-- he pushed a bit.. wanted me to free associate about something... I was resisting... he was pushing a bit... he said, "Come on... just take a chance..." I like that he said that. It helped. I free associated. Then I handed him all that %#@&#!. Take a chance? I really took that suggestion seriously.

The sessions are intense now, they have been charged with transference stuff. Talking about other stuff has basically ceased. Meaning, in the first year of therapy, I talked about outside stuff-- my anxiety, depression, relationship with my mother, etc., etc. Now the sessions focus on the relationship between him and I... the here-and-now... stuff like that.

He encourages it more and more because I still resist so much. But I know what it is now... I'm scared. I'm nervous as hell that I just gave him all of that and he's going to get scared and turn away. Last session I was analyzing something to death because he didn't seem satisfied with the given explanation. I said to him, "This is going so deep, isn't ever enough?" And he said, "It's never enough."

I am still terrified that it will reach this level in which it is too much and he will have to get the hell out of there. Projection? Yes, a bit. Fear of abandonment? Most definitely.