On Sunday afternoon, the mother of my best friend from high school (who I've kept only limited contact with since)

I spent weekend after weekend and summer day after summer day with both of them. I only smoked pot a few times in my lifetime but the first time was when I was 14 and it was with my then best friend and her mom. Some may think that is terribly wrong but her mom was a hippie to the max. She lived off the land and taught her children to do the same. She was a mystic and a little on the odd but very fun side. Her youngest daughter (of 4 kids, my friend being the oldest) who is only 11 or 12 years old is who found her. She was in her mid to late 50's. It is a devastating situation.

I was just telling my therapist last week that I feel so depressed but for some reason not suicidal, as it typical of me. Now that this has happened, I have a different perspective on suicide. It makes me want to live. I hope if nothing else I will hold onto that perspective.

I remember I once dated this creep (freshman year) who I stopped talking to abruptly. I left him guessing and assuming. I know that was wrong of me but I realized at that point that he was a creep and I was very, very sick. Well, when I was a sophomore, I had to drop out of school due to my illness. He called me out of the blue that summer and told me that the rumor was that I had tried to commit suicide. It was false. I never tried to commit suicide; I wanted to then too but never tried. I was just too sick for school so I was home schooled by a home hospital program. Anyway, that asshole told me that if I was going to commit suicide to let him know because he had never seen anyone kill themselves and he would like to watch. He was entirely serious, callous, and apathetic. It was probably most harrowing and memorable conversations I have ever had