Wow, I wish I had seen your post earlier. I'm getting really sleepy now and don't feel like I can comprehend and answer everything you've written.

I will say that I went through the experience of being denied disability (in Texas) and it was extremely unpleasant.

Six months ago I was in the midst of a 3 year+ long depressive episode and desperate. Someone offered to pay for psychotherapy for me, so I started seeing a therapist who turned out to be amazingly helpful.

I got a new psych meds provider because the old one left for a new job. The new one (who trained in the city where you live) is super smart. He prescribed a low dose of an antidepressant that reset/fixed the horrible delayed-onset sleep problems I had been experiencing for most of the three years.

I have felt like a newly-hatched chick in many ways these past few months. I am slowly getting steadier on my feet but it's a slow process.

I find it very encouraging that you have things you want to do. You're not discounting the possibility of a future.

I think the fact that stimulants seem to help you is positive in one sense. The problem of abuse makes them less helpful, of course.

I will try to write more tomorrow, and I hope that others will respond as well. I'm never sure how this forum sorts posts. I usually select "new posts" then page through them. I didn't see yours until I finally went over to page 5 of new posts.

I hope that you'll hang out some with us here on Psych Central. It's a great place for venting and asking questions and learning. I think of us as a sort of group organism, like a hive of bees. (Yes, I know that's weird!)