I have a deep and seething hatred for myself as a person, and I don't know why. It's honestly making me angrier at myself for not getting it.

There have been a lot of things over the years that add on to the pile - nosy people deciding that my stunted physical expressions of emotion meant I felt nothing, and losing my kids for it, being one stellar example - but it's hard to nail down any one thing. There are so many things.

I hate that so-called normal people look at people like me as some sort of animal just because of a slight difference in brain make-up, or chemistry, or whatever the **** causes this. Not like the pdoc I had explained it at all. "Throw Invega at it" seemed to be her (largely useless) solution, and never once did she explain what the hell I was supposed to expect, or try, or anything. I've been grasping at straws with this damned condition because I was never given anything but a name for it. ****ing useless quack.

Maybe I can't decide if society is right or not. Do I hate the glory-hungry media and laughably under-equipped education system in this country for making us out to be one-dimensional freaks? More than a little. Do I buy into it myself? Apparently so, if I hate myself this much. It's always in my face, with people I see, or meet, that I can't adapt to things the way they do. I have my ways, but it's stopgap at best, and while it gets the job done in the short term, it causes massive damage in the long term.

I don't even know what the hell I'm trying to say here, and that's pissing me off even more. I'm a waste of meat, I can't stand the sight or sound of myself, and every ****ing word I write only amplifies it.

Can't focus anymore, this is taking too much effort. Have at it, mock the freak. I honestly don't care anymore. I'm so ****ing tired of fighting this. Years and years and years of this, and it's exhausting, and I can't do it anymore.