I'm really worried about something, and I need some input. I've been with my t for a number of years, and we've always known that I have dissociation problems, but not to the degree that I would have a DID diagnosis.

What's bothering me is this. . .I've always kept a huge effort of control over other parts of me that I feel very ashamed of, and that I would describe as very unlike my normal self. I've always been able to prevent those parts of me from acting independently of my normal self. My t has encouraged me to get to know those parts better. She says I need better internal communication. So we've been working on me noticing how I feel more often, and listening for those thoughts and feelings that usually scare me and I push away.

There are times when I definitely feel emotions that come from other parts, and at times I hear a part talking in my head - although it is usually only occasionally at night before I go to sleep, or when I wake up in the night. The part that talks does it more like a monologue, telling about it's life, feelings, and thoughts. I'm not sure if it is talking to me, or just talking in general. Sometimes it goes on for 1 hour or more. I am aware when it is happening and hear what is said. But when I wake up, I only remember small portions of it.

Well, that's not the part that worries me really. What worries me is that as my t and I work on internal communication, I seem to not have as strong of a hold on these other parts of myself as usual. Occasionally, I will send my t email messages that are written and sound like a child. Again, I know when I am doing it, but it doesn't feel like me. I struggle to prevent myself from hitting the "Send" button, and sometimes this struggle can go on for as much as 3 hours or more - with one part of me trying to write something, and the other part of me saying "No, you can't say that" and erasing it.

Usually, I can prevent myself from sending them message. But once in awhile, I send it. Almost immediately, I feel horrible guilt and shame. I feel like I should have prevented it. I feel upset that I didn't, and embarrassed about the things in the email. I always send an apology afterward to my t. It makes me feel weird that I let it happen, and I can't help feeling like I should have been able to prevent it. I tell myself I must have done it for attention, that it wasn't really a part of me, that I must have been pretending or something. Because when it happens, I say things that I just don't say in my normal life at home, work, or anywhere. The messages sound like a child. I'm an adult! I'm a technical writer to boot. It just feels weird and wrong, and it leaves me worried.

I need to understand why this is happening.