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Dear CalmingOcean. As someone who has, and still does suffer, amongst other eating disorders, from the same as yourself I DO UNDERSTAND your utter frustration and anger concerning your problem. It is indeed very isolating and frankly, I feel both very embarrassed and ashamed. I'm old, yet my long time close friends have no idea what really makes me tick (and makes me ill and very depressed sometimes). They know I've been in psych hospital a few times but not the real reason how I ended up there. They assume it's clinical depression so I leave it at that. It's ED's and always has been. Because I try and severely restrict for as long as possible, I've kinda kept the worst of the expensive binges at bay. I too have actually stole food many many times in the past, I've never told anyone that before, and I've no doubt I'd do it again if I felt I was forced to (I should say "driven" to). For that's what our disorder feels like, we are totally driven to do what we feel, are "insane" things, end of. I wish I could tell you the magic answer, but I don't know of any. I do know that certain things, many things occurring as we grew up, have significance in our actions. For me it was coming from a family of compulsive eaters whose lives and loves revolved around food. All of the women were excellent good old fashioned cooks, showing love to us by providing plentiful good stodgy British food, wartime favourites!!! If we hurt ourselves Mum gave us chocolate! I hope now you don't feel so alone in all of this, there's lots of us here who sure identify and understand you. Love and Hugs. Xxx
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