I think that we all react differently when someone dies So this whole thing can seem very confusing to you.

Sometimes we do just suddenly "click" things and the penny drops and everything falls into place that we may not have seen before. And it can suck when it does and I'm sorry for you that this hit you so hard.

Crying is good sometimes it helps release what we are feeling inside.

Here's a thought.

I'm not sure how useful this will be for you.

When I'm stuck in a situation where everything has literally landed ontop of my head and I can barely breathe yet alone cry, I ask myself is there a completely different avenue I could be taking, where I could be doing something better? Or what can I do, from this point in time, to change things around? Because sometimes the point of realisation comes too late, when we're left with nothing but tears. Can you change direction into focusing / working on something? You show a lot of passion and care for others. I think that this is a very valuable trait that you possess.

Even if it all seems too much out there in terms of what you are looking at, may you find some inner comfort amidst the turmoil