Until I was around 22 years old, I craved and needed to feel wanted and loved by somebody else (relationship wise) in order to be okay. It didnt even have to be sexual, just as long as I was attracted to them and knew they cared. If I didnt have someone like that, I felt incomplete, sad, and alone. I guess I was trying to fill some kind of void inside. Friends were limited growing up because I was bullied by peers and my parents, which made me distant and shy as I got into high school. Humiliated almost on a daily basis.

Now, at 25, ive had two serious relationships that were both abusive and both ended with me getting hurt. The very last person that I trusted was when I was 21 and that person ended up breaking my trust and using me in the end. Ever sense then, I have completely cut myself off from connections such as relationships, friendships, and even family. The moment that I start to feel a spark of intimacy with anyone, I distance myself. I have different reasons why I become distant for each type of connection.

For relationships: I've been completely avoiding them for the last few years because im afraid to be hurt again. I dont even have any desire to love and be loved by another. I stay away from it because if I dont develop a connection, I wont have to go through that pain of letting go.

Friendships: I can develop surface level friendships but that's really all im comfortable with and all I know how to give. Im afraid that if I show my true colors and personality, I will be rejected and exposed as imperfect. When I was a kid, trying to make friends at school, most of them rejected and degraded me so I eventually just did everyone a favor and shut myself away. Guys didnt like me and everyone told me that I was ugly, stupid, and worthless pretty much. My mom even called me stupid all of the time and was hardly ever on my side. But whatever, **** it.

Family: Very uncomfortable being intimate with my family members. It's almost like I dont know HOW to be close to them. I can only have deep, meaningful conversations with them if im drunk. Maybe im afraid of being made fun of for looking vulnerable? I was very angry as a child toward my parents when they would hit me and scream in my face and I was never allowed to express my anger so I bottled it up. Maybe that's why I can't get close to my mom and dad even though they try. It just feel's unfamiliar and awkward every time I even have a meaningful conversation and I dont like it. Its funny because I would feel very comfortable with that type of intimacy from a different set of parents.

Basically when I start to feel a deeper connection with someone, I feel like I need to pull away quick before they see how flawed and uncool I really am. The only person I can be completely open with is my grandma. She's the one person who has never rejected, judged, hit, screamed at, or even really punished me. She was on my side %100 as a child and showed me affection like a mother would. Im so afraid of losing her that I could have a complete break down just thinking or talking about her dying.

Can anyone else relate to this? Did you overcome it? Do you think that I can eventually be comfortable with people on a deeper level if I develop the right tools? Feel's like I have a wall up which keep's me safe. But being this safe is starting to make me feel lonely and I WANT to have real and lasting connections with people. I just dont know how.