First, I don't feel hopeless. The diagnosis has given me hope. It is a blessing. Now, I can move on an manage all the issues. Here are some of my thoughts/opinions -

First and foremost, I now focus on ME. I'm sort of self centered about my "recovery". A while back, I tried to be everything to everyone and discovered I was just spinning in circles. For example, I care much less about work now than before and don't fall into the "game" anymore. I give work, they pay me in kind. That's it, I give nothing extra. IMO, doing more work beyond the expectations just raises the stress levels because we send signals we're willing to jump through hoops.

I take my Depakote as scheduled. I got off it a few weeks ago and did notice a difference in my mood. It makes me goofy and tired but other than that, I've been lucky.

I listen to people close to me like my wife to tell me I'm getting off track. One of my biggest issues is/was that I can't recognize the cycle. I used to just "feel good" or "feel down" and used all sorts of excuses for poor behavior.

I *try* to meditate but I find it difficult to devote the time to it. Plus, there's a bit of a science to it and I don't have that down yet.

I work out a few days a week, nothing heavy but it helps relieve stress and gives me something I can do for me.

I appreciate smaller things now that I used to miss. Things like driving with the sunroof down is so much more fun. I drive around now cranking Iggy Pop on my car stereo. And I'm 50. What's wrong with me? Nothing!

Since my friends have written me off, I don't sulk about it. I enjoy some hobbies and spend time with my family. IMO, it beats trying to keep up with everyone. That's another thing that will spin us in circles - do this, do that, be here, be there. Bah! Forget it!

I have quit drinking. I think this very important and it helps keep me centered. It allows me to wake up every day (no matter the day) and feel like I'm ready to go with a clear head. I've never been a one glass drinker, more like a ten glass drinker. I don't have a good history with booze. Some people might disagree with me, but I've developed a theory about it. IMO, alcohol adds nothing to the bio chemistry, something we need to balance. Eating well also adds to the goodness.

Finally, I try to stay mindful. Like you, I go back and forth about being angry at everything and nothing. Then I get paranoid and eventually put together plans to run away. It's hard to measure, but I think my cycles have flattened out a bit.

OK, rock on!