In 2004 a friend of mine who was like a mentor for me died that way and all I wanted to do after that was the same thing despite the fact that I could see the devastation it brings. I was a huge mess. Our minds can play tricks on us, especially when under stress. Your desire to copy her is not uncommon but please remember it is not rational. You are loved and needed in this world. I really hope some light breaks through the darkness for you soon. I am so sorry you are hurting so much right now. Stay safe