Hello Butterfly Crisis,

It's awesome to see you here on the BP Forum

Congrats on your first post! (Well, at the time of my reply, this is your first post). Hopefully you will have many more to come.

Always helps to speak about your feelings / experiences with those who share similar experiences or stories to share with you about things that they have been through.

Yes, I can't trust my own thoughts at the best of times, so your statement there makes sense. I'm constantly doubting if what I think is real and land up having to rethink my point of view and if need be ask others for a second opinion. So you're on the right track.

You sound to have had some turmulous past with religion, by this I mean how you described having to remove yourself from all association so as to remove these intrusive thoughts that you were having and keep them at bay.

To me, you sound like a fighting winner. You're pretty persistent and determined to keep going until you achieve your goal - all of which are great attributes if used correctly, they can serve you well.

It sounds to me like your intrusive thoughts are back and are causing you quite some concern.

On one level you get that it's not real, so that's good.

But to continually have the "thought" enter your mind is probably quite triggering, because then you have to start back at square one, reaffirming for yourself that this is by no means true, and literally fight off / ward off this intrusive thought. So it's kind of become some kind of cycle.

You sound like you have a lot of doubt. And this can stem from a number of situational factors in your environment during your upbringing. If there have been factors that have been emotionally straining on you, then I'm sorry for this. If my shot in the dark here is wrong in trying to work out why you are thinking these negative thoughts which are certainly not true, then I'm sorry about this too.

To answer your question - "Does this post even make sense?"

Yes. It makes perfect sense to me.

You're establishing your identity and eliminating what you are not - you are not the anti-christ, but unfortunately had this intrusive thought start when you were very young, somehow then bury itself in your conscious mind, only to have resurfaced sometime in the recent past.

My wish for you is that as you begin to work through this you establish your true sense of self worth and begin to realise the potential that you have as a person to live a life with a sense of peace and calm.