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Unless a note shows itself, no one will ever know what happened with any kind of certainty. And really, does it matter? I overanalyzed the hell out of things until something popped into my head one day. I remembered kneeling down in the playground at Our Lady Of Perpetual Guilt with two other boys in our salt and pepper corduroys. I had a magnifying glass swung out of its leather slipcase, and was trying to focus the sun's beam on a piece of paper. Finally the paper briefly smoked, the spot turned black and a flame briefly appeared.
I equated my overthinking to that magnifying glass. If I kept focusing and fixating my attention on things I could do nothing about or would never have an answer to, I would set my brain on fire. I had to learn to let go, and after convincing myself that it meant no disrespect to the person who had passed for whatever reason for me to go on living my life, I did.
I hope you can make peace with this situation soon. Its natural and automatic to go to darker places when this kind of heartache visits (my bestie tipped over six weeks ago at breakfast), but we have to shake it off and get back to kids...jobs...relationships...dreams and living life. It does the people that depend on us and our minds no good to expend energy on the unchangeable, or let it smolder in negativity.
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