looks like my (paternal) gran is going downhill. she's 94, and one of my earliest abusers. she's always been super mean and violent with me (among other things). I've hated her for some 20 years. As she's aged, the hate has worn down to dislike to "meh". But visiting her... that's like panic attack central.
huh - I just noticed I was thinking about her and one of her possessions just the other day while in psych ER.
Like i'm walking blind in a hurricane... only getting the slightest glimpse at the maelstrom all around me.
I have to drive my mom and I there - it's a good 30+ minutes out to the middle of nowhere, depending on traffic. At least there's a good malt shop we'll be stopping at. And I have Ativan. Perhaps this will be the final time I see her.... When I go there, I turn young and scared. and memories come back and I have panic. I don't want to do this, but it feels like "duty first".