Sorry for the redundancy that is some of this letter. I need to know if this is too strong. Sometimes my passion is overwhelming and gets me into trouble. The suicide references are more graphic in the original. What do you think?

I can't do this anymore. It's much too difficult. How am I supposed to live? How will I get through this? Will I ever not suffer? Yesterday I learned that the mother of my best friend from high school committed suicide. I spent weekend after weekend and summer day after summer day with both of them. I got high for he first time with them. They were a major part of my life for some time. I have neither seen nor spoken to her mother for at least 10 years yet the news devastated me. It seems all I can do is cry. Yesterday I had great resolve. "This takes cares of my suicidal thinking." I said. "How could I hurt my kids the way that she hurt her children? Her ******* 12 year old daughter found her dead." It's amazing what a day can hold. Today, I have great cowardice. "I really know how she felt;" I say. "I really ****ing understand grave desperation. I have experienced intense sorrow. I really get it. And I want to do the same thing she did; the exact same thing. It is so ****ing hard. And I know the burden of this suffering is far too agonizing to carry."

I can't stay awake...not at all. This angers my husband...of course it does, we
have a one year old daughter. I don't spend quality time with my babies. I love them and they know it through my affection and through my words but I am entirely too self-absorbed to give them my time. I can think of no more than my bitterness; I can think of no more than the torment I feel from too many demons. This angers my husband. Sometimes I cry in front of my babies. This angers my husband. I have so many people who love me but I am completely alone. It brings great sorrow. It is overly exhausting. Who is there to save me?

My mom told me last week that she really needs me to start eating healthy. She wants me to take care of myself. She is buying me healthy foods and encouraging me daily. It's not helping me. I eat junk; I don't exercise; and I simply don't care about being healthy. Why? Because I can't fight. I just don't have the desire and I have neither the resolve nor the strength to fight. I am weak. I give up everything I try. I feel as though I simply cannot fight. I truly don't want to take medicine. I don't want to fight. I want to give up; I want to die. Nothing will ever fix me again. I am broken into pieces.

To quote a great band: Rilo Kiley,
"Sometimes when you're on, you're really ****ing on...but the lows are so extreme that the good seems ****ing cheap. And it teases you for weeks in
it's absence."