Hi.

A bit of background is needed to understand where I could use some feedback. After my marriage crumbled about three years ago, I met someone new and started seeing her regularly. The relationship lasted about 20 months -- until last night, that is. Early on in the relationship I sat down with her and told her about my struggles. My abuse, the flashbacks, the addiction, all the recovery stuff -- I was honest and open. She was upset at first and worried about her comfort level with me, but we worked through it and kept seeing each other. I talked about recovery regularly and usually told her when I wasn't doing well. I had one really bad flashback with her present, but even that she worked through with me. I felt supported -- until last night. You see, she had been away with family for about three weeks. When she returned, I had trouble for three days trying to re-establish intimate contact. I just wasn't comfortable and know that comes from my history. The physical trust had faded and I needed time to get it back and was not able to talk about it. I was too afraid. She confronted me last night about "distance" she felt existed, how she was unsure where the relationship was going and how my distance at times made her feel unattractive or worry about my commitment. When I explained what had been going on, including my most recent flashbacks, that my sleepwalking started again, and the need to re-establish physical trust I felt after her vacation, she got very upset and told me she had her own needs (which I don't dispute, of course), that she needed someone "whole" and it was clear I wasn't that and wouldn't be anytime soon and therefore our relationship wouldnt' being going anywhere. I admitted I didn't feel whole, couldn't promise she wouldn't feel hurt again when my problems got in the way of me functioning the way I wanted to in our relationship, I couldn't promise I would always be able to share all of my problems with her right when the come up for her to know and be part of, but asked that she stay with me while I continued to do my best to heal and become "whole." She said goodbye instead.

It reminds me of when the relationship started and I told her I was worried I was "damaged" and couldn't offer her, or anyone else, a "normal" person with "normal" problems to share life with. Mine would be extreme, not "normal". She told me then that she didn't see me as "damaged" and seeing myself that way wasn't fair to myself. I agreed. But last night she really made me feel "damaged." I feel she ended the relationship because I am mentally ill, despite everything wonderful we experienced in our relationship. I so loved being able to have her close and be intimate without feel guilty, most of the time. I had a bad flashback when we were making love. I didn't tell her about it until last night and I think it was too much for her.

This really hurts. This is so unfair. I love her. This would not have happened if I hadn't been sexually abused. It's been 27 years. I so hate this.

Thanks for listening.

mtd