To Hooligan:

Thank you. I'm really glad that I decided to finally join and post something. I've been lurking for quite some time, but never had the confidence to talk about anything. But that HAS to change if I want to feel better.

There are two levels of me not understanding my thoughts:

1) I don't know if my moods are causing my thoughts, ex: "I'm just being inconsiderate by doing such an action and I should just remove myself from the situation entirely" or "I think I should do this because I'm pumped and I can take on the world!"

2) Sometimes, though this is more rare, I can't tell if my thoughts are my own or if they're some demon inside me that I'm fighting against, or if the thoughts have been implanted themselves by some unseen force that wants me to do their bidding.

I have this fear that I'm some central part of a spiritual conspiracy and there are two opposing forces (good and evil) who are trying to sway me to their side by tricking me and implanting thoughts.

This kind of thinking also extends to minor things, like thinking that my Critical Thinking class is a test in itself. That if I do the right action, like ask my teacher lots of questions, then I'm doing the class correctly instead of just turning in assignments (which seem to be tests in themselves, like am I supposed to be critically thinking about the reading assignment or should i be critically thinking about the way the lesson is put together, too?)

This is what caused me to go catatonic and threw me into a wave of depression. I feel like I can't even go to college because everything is so mixed up in my head.

I certainly have quite a bit of doubt. I don't trust anything, really, and I grew up a total nihilist who didn't even believe the world was real at a VERY young age... It makes me wonder how long I've been sick and I'm terrified that I might be more than just bipolar... Or does this kind of stuff happen in bipolar people, too? My dad is schizoeffective and my worst fear is that I'll become just like him... Or that I've been just like him all along. I guess that's why I made this post to begin with.

My sole focus right now is in establishing my identity, I think I suffer from some dissociation because like I said before, I literally cannot tell who I am and all I have are little clues from others. It does make me feel a lot better when people tell me I'm not the anti-christ.

I've had to learn to trust that reality exists. And then after that, I've had to learn to trust that what others say can be true. And at least, in this moment, I do believe you. That gives me relief.

What I do know about my identity is that I am bipolar and I'm trying to understand and accept, maybe even embrace, what that is and means and how I'm going to live with it.

I am But not nearly at the intervals I need to be. That's mostly because my therapist is on vacation and my psychiatrist thought I'd be fine for a while, so he scheduled me 3 months ahead, but now when I try to get an earlier appointment, he's booked up.

I'm basically hiding out until the middle of July when I can see them again.
Also, I'm never sure what to talk to them about in specific, so I think talking here on the forum will help me gain some sort of outline of what to talk about with my therapist. I only have an hour every two weeks, I want to make it count! lol

To Skywalking:

It makes me feel so much better to know that someone else thought the same thing. Somehow, that makes it even more certain that I'm not the anti-christ (or my baby.. hopefully).

I have a terrible, terrible fixation on being good or bad. I'm an INFJ/P, so I have an insanely strong moral code and if I don't stick to it, I feel like a total failure and it sends me spiraling down into depression. It also doesn't help that growing up, I heard from multiple sources that I was a bad, terrible child - From places that you would THINK would instead increase your self confidence, like teachers, peers, and parents.

Like I said above, my dad is schizoeffective and I grew up with his murmurings of him mentally sacrificing a child (a friend of his murdered their child) so that I could be born, so I was a hellspawn that was destined to be bad. It scares the crap out of me.

It sucks so much that I've had to distance myself from religion. It can be such a positive thing in people's lives and whenever I seek help, people always ask if I'm a part of a church, but I just cannot go there. All I can think of is how terrible I must be and am reminded of my father who believed in the same psychotic holy war that I do. I probably got it from him.

At the very least, I try to seek spirituality through religious ideas from Hinduism, Buddhism, and Wicca. I hold fast to science to keep a grip on reality and reaffirm to myself that there are people smarter than I out there who understand reality far more than I do and I can trust them. I try to find peace in being nothing in the universe yet also being a part of everything in the universe (I am just a bunch of atoms floating in a sea of atoms and we are all one).

Thank you to all that replied, I was afraid I wouldn't get any replies at all. I feel a raise in confidence and feel like I can post more here.