Hi Everyone, this is my first post!

I'm 34, I'm in advertising. I am head over heels in love with a man for 4 years now. I was only in one other relationship before him, for 14 years and that man was very easy to communicate with and we would have an argument maybe once a year (we simply fell out of attraction for one another if you're curious why it ended).

My boyfriend is 38, he's unemployed now, as he's had trouble keeping a job. This may be a symptom of what I think may be a problem.

He seems to have trouble getting along with people (including coworkers, family and friends), and he has fear of failure or not living up to expectations. He is not where he "imagined" he would be in life, and goes back and forth between feeling like a complete failure and getting excited to do better for himself. Although he looks for work constantly, the jobs do not last long. I have supported him, and he has been appreciative.

But I feel uneasy about the relationship. He is very sweet to me, but often the moment I question him in any way, he completely shuts down. He has locked himself in the bathroom for hours, he has left for hours in the middle of a conversation and slept outside at night, all because of a small comment or question. So I feel like I am really walking on eggshells. An example would be him ignoring me for a few days because I made a bored face while he was talking about something important to him. Another would be him ignoring me for days because he saw me "look at another man". I have to literally beg on my knees and cry and sob and tell him how much I love him and how sorry I am for him to feel his love again. He threatens me with the end of our relationship during these times he feels slighted, and says he needs time to think. I give him space, he always comes back and apologizes.

Most of the time I find his personality very intelligent, sensitive and considerate. But his consideration stops at any perceived slight. Then it doesn't matter if I want to talk about things or explain myself, he will not hear me. I never yell at him. We end up talking about things, but very briefly, on his clock. I basically keep quiet and apologize while he tells me how I could have avoided the problem and how we can improve things next time.

The situation has slowly improved over the last few years. But it feels unhealthy to me to be afraid of saying or doing something wrong. It's confusing because he tells me how committed he is to a healthy relationship and that he wants me to be able to talk to him -- I just don't find that to be true.

The reason I am on this forum, is because I have talked to a few friends, and the opinions have fluctuated between -- "that sounds like a good relationship with someone who needs more TIME than you to get over problems & also you should start talking to him about your fears and work out communication issues" and --- "That's outright emotional abuse". Is it?

Does anyone have a thought about this or any insight?

Thanks Very much for your time.
-Allie