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_Sky said:

Issues with the T's spouse often come up. It's difficult to accept the T's role in our life, where it really is, and how to create that spot for T (which isn't like anyone else's at all.) Don't worry, you aren't the first patient to need to discuss this, and you won't be the last.

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Really? This makes me feel a little better.

Thanks to everyone who responded. My depression, which has been fluctuating, has hit a very bad spot today. I slept til 9:30 this morning, woke up to drink coffee and take a shower, went back to sleep, then went out to get something to eat with my husband, had a fight with him, came home, slept again, and now obviously I'm awake, and the two of us aren't even talking. I feel like I need my T so much right now.

(Actually my husband just hugged me so that helped a bit)

Today I feel like my depression is independent from everything. Indepedent from meds, because since I was 17, over the course of 9 years and around 16 meds, it has never responded. Independent from my husband because he's dealt with it for 6 years, and he's tired. I don't believe he has ever fully understood it. Independent from T because although I gaining so much from our sessions.. so much self-awareness... so much... my mood remains the same... I am tired of waking up and feeling like I won't be able to make it through the day. Or the next day. I push myself very hard to accomplish things, but I want to enjoy them. My unconscious keeps feeding me suicidal ideation... meaning that I am 100 percent confident that I would not do anything, but aside from that, I cannot control often thinking about it. I am sad because I am only 26 years old, and for the last 9 years, I have been more depressed that not, more often in turmoil than not, more often self-injuring than not, more often angry than not, much more often anxious than not, and most of all.... empty almost all of the time. There are ways in which I have come so far. My panic attacks used to be so bad that I was unable to leave the house. I fought that and won. But there are many things... particularly the depression... that keep beating the crap out of me over and over again.

I didn't call T this time about how I'm feeling. I don't care how many times he has told me to call. I can't this time. I feel like what I'm feeling is independent from T, removed from anything except me. I don't know what calling him up is going to do. It's not going to take it away.