i can't think straight.. i am beyond upset now. It's like a plane taking off and once it's in the air it flies until it crashes..no safe landing. i have called him twice already but today is the day he;s at the pain management clinic so i was lucky he called me at all this morning. The second call was more seaparate and i said i had cork-screwed myself into the ground based on things he had said....and what i said... and what he didn't say and what i thought... and so on.

i have been crying all day.. off and on..left work earlier b/c of it.

he doesn't make after hours calls so it will be in the morning. i am just going to drug myself into sleep. Another 4mg clonazepam. I am tolerant to the drug.

i wish i could take tomorrow off and just coccoon myself in here. i need that. instead i'll be smiling and saying thank you while wishing people would catch on fire and die.