Hi I really don't like writing on a blog because it gives me not the greatest memories from when I was really depressed over a year ago but I just want to vent and possibly get advice. I've been battling depression for a long time and last year was just "it" I got admitted into the hospital 4x the first time was a blur I was out of it and I didn't take my lexapro meds daily like I supposed too when I left the hospital so I relapsed within a month so the second time I left out of the hospital I was "better" I met people in there I connected to, and I got prescribed celexa and abilify but I stopped using abilify and only used celexa and from May until September I was GREAT! So when I starting feeling you know horrible I freaked then October came I got a new psychiatrist bc my mom forced me to get help ASAP bc I stopped going to my other psychiatrist from May-July because I wasnt connecting well with her & I felt rushed every time I saw her and I honestly was not being OPEN so when I saw this new psychiatrist in October I was a MESS I was all over the place she was great, she prescribed me new meds that I could afford because I'm a college student she prescribed me respodral and Wellbutrin the first two weeks I was on a HIGH. I was happy ,loving ,charming, just on top of the world and after the two weeks I started to go back downhill and then I went back UP! And AGAIN after another week I was DOWN so my mood was changing drastically I told my psychiatrist and she changed my Wellbutrin to Prozac. And I forgot to mention I was also seeing a therapist who was also great but I don't see her anymore because of my financial status and I'll get back to this in a minute. So the moods swings btwn. October - Nov were alarming and in December I ended back in the hospital TWICE in the same month! So that's 4x I've been admitted into a hospital. I went back in the same month because the medication of respodral and Prozac didn't change went I left the hospital so I relapsed again and a week after I was back in. I missed Christmas& New Years and that's okay because I was getting better. I stayed two weeks,after the first 5 days I was getting much much better bc when I'm down and depressed and in my mind I obviously can not connect to people I'm just trapped in my head so after that went away I was GREAT I was happy caring loving focused and they changed my meds to celexa and SEROQUEL and WOW SEROQUEL was just the right for me it really did help!!! and still does help me so much! It does make me super sleepy and drowsy but I rather be sleepy than depressed and I only take it at night I went from taking 300mg to 150mg and then I started going down on mg to the point where just a week ago I was only taking 25mg or 50mg so my deal right now is that im starting to feel "it" again I HATE to write about this and admit because I kinda just been whatever about the past because It didn't feel like it was real I kinda just shoved it all into a closet bc that person a year ago or 6 months ago was NOT me and it's still NOT..... but now that I'm feeling bad all these thoughts pass through my head like things of the past and I do tell myself stop and I try to relax. I'm sorry for the long intro. I just want whoever takes the time to read this to get more of an insight of what ive been through to understand why I feel and think the way I do right now. So back to right now since Sunday I've been not feeling "good" and I fear the old me. I started to cry over breakfast with my mom and brother and it hit me that since May I've been a emotional wreck as in I'm always crying for dumb stuff and for no reason really for example I cried because I felt like people hated me and this was a month ago and other times I cry for no reason and this past Sunday I just started to cry with my mom and brother and my mom is over me being depressed ever again because I have NO reason to feel down my life is just fine I'm 20, college student, comfy life, don't have to work, even though I know I should and I will but first I want to be the best me before I get in a work environment because I'm not the best right now and I know I can be better. So this past week has just been bringing back old memories, I've been feeling not the greatest and I keep telling myself I will NEVER go back to the way I was I CANT! My family has been through it all and I need to be strong!!! I love them they love me I've been trying to distract myself with my sister and I also have a bf who loves me and cares for unconditionally we've been together since October and and he stayed with me through it ALL and he really understands me because he has dealt with anxiety about 5 years ago so he's patient with me I cried to him on Monday and told him how I felt with everything I haven't been the greatest to him and I didn't realize until this Sunday and I'm just like wow so I had to say sorry to him but back to medication I told him how i took 3 pills Sunday night and 4 pills on Monday because like a dummy I wanted to be good again ASAP but he REMINDED me that going from 25mg to 300mg was drastic and just making matters worse and that could of also been a factor into why I was feeling emotional and all. So since Tuesday I've been taking 75mg. I also been hitting the gym with him I went today, Wednesday, Monday and Saturday. I don't tell my family anything because I don't want them getting upset with me and so I only go to my bf. It's just irritating to myself because I HATE feeling like this because when they talk to me I'm just out of it it's no where near as bad as i was last year so it's an improvement but still. Im feeling crappy and I'm just like seriously I want to be out of my head and wrung and thinking about dumb stuff. I hate the my memory seems to worsen I'm always forgetting stuff I want to be PRESENT here. I'm just going to continue working out, eat good, try to stop the negative thoughts that tell me "im dumb" "I'm hateful" ugh I hate writing all of this but it's the truth. I'm lost and being lost as in i don't know who I am makes me feel more irritated....so this is the deal right now. Also idk if should keep talking to my bf about this bc I don't to bring him down should I just ignore the "pink elephant" and fake it until I get back to feeling myself? I know this is temporary it will be once I manage myself with replacement thoughts and all. Ok I'm going to end this whole blog with a smile for anyone who reads this thank you!!!!!! You actually read this whole all over the place writing 😛 it's hard for me to explain myself because I'm a big ball of confusion so if you have questions about what I just wrote let me know.(: again thank you!! I'm contemplating posting this because idk if this me giving into to "it" because I'm just getting past memories where I went on websites but I'm not the same person at ALL! And also it's just I'm getting bad memories. ugh I mean I'm just venting and asking for advice on how to better my mental and how to stop over analyzing. Ugh I just took the sanity test and it told me I might have dissociative disorder it freaked me out I hope I don't have multiple personalities bc I be forgetting stuff like I can't exactly remember special nights with my bf :,( but I thought it was my depression just kicking in or why do I have bad memory ugh someone please help a sista out