You are feeling responsible for so much stuff. That's really hard. I remember when I was working many times feeling like "I can't fall apart now". I always had the money thing and also finding a substitute for my job was nearly impossible so I knew if I went off my patients suffered. That's the one thing being on SSDI does for me; less responsibility.

I hope that you can get treatment that you feel comfortable with very soon. You are putting so much stress on yourself to not be as sick as you maybe are. That is easy to do but never makes life easier.