I love my pdoc. She has been there far beyond the minimum, she spends a lot of time with me every month, she never gives up on me and she lets me make the important decisions with her input. She never has treated me with anything but respect. I have her email address although catching her via email can be iffy. Usually if I use the right subject I can get her but not always. If I really need her I just have to call her secretary and she'll either check the email and respond or call me.

I've been trying all week to get her to agree to increase my loxapine dose. I've emailed twice without an answer. I also have tried last week to get in contact because she forgot to set up a follow-up appointment when I saw her about a few weeks ago. And there was something else that required I call her secretary. And I just now left a message apologizing for all of this but asking can I please increase the dose and um how about that appointment? (Leaving it now means if I'm groggy tomorrow I don't have to try to do that).

I feel like such a pest. It's hard because I know she gets incredibly busy and she has a new job that is probably really busy at this point in the year. There's also always fear. Several years ago I got out of the hospital without a follow-up because she was having surgery. It turns out that she had breast cancer. And while she's been great for a long time when she seems ultra-stressed and distracted like the last 2 months it worries me.

And there's my lingering paranoia that she is mad at me over this whole episode, doesn't really believe my symptoms because they were worse than usual and that somewhere she thinks I was exaggerating things somehow. Every time I don't hear from her this cements more. It's my last paranoia that I'm aware of (haven't been leaving home much so it's hard to know if I'd have more in public; tomorrow will be the Walmart test which is a good test). This has never happened and she has never been mad at me when I thought she probably was but I can't put this behind me.

I have little hope I'll hear anything from her tomorrow. I'm starting to view contacting her as being almost as difficult as my arch nemesis, Medicaid (she's much easier than they are are but honestly so is a rock). I tried to get an earlier appt. at the end of March; the substitute secretary never passed the message on. I put in a "I'm in bad shape, please call" message last month and never heard back; no idea what happened but I think it was the same substitute. And now I've spent a week trying to get a med doubled when the plan was see how it went and then double it. I'm not asking for anything unplanned and I'm about to just double it.

I really hope I hear from her. I just want to take my meds and fall asleep at normal person bedtime and wake up at normal person wake time. My body actually like waking early and going to bed early and I'd love to get back to that. (the only few times in my life I've slept ok that's been the pattern).