Welcome to PsychCentral. Sorry you're having these ups and downs in your relationship.

Your question is about what to call his behavior. Does it really matter what you call it? Are you trying to decide to object to it, if you call it abuse, but to be patient and understanding, if you call it mental illness?

It's entirely possible that this man is incapable of behaving any other way. To myself, that would not be a good enough reason for me to live with him. But you are not me. After your first year with him, you had plenty of evidence that your boyfriend is a major pain in the behind to deal with. But you've stayed with him for three more years. So he offers something that you value.

At age 38, his behavior is hard-wired and not going to change. You will always support him financially, and you will always walk on egg shells around him. The other option for you is to dump the relationship. That would be hard because you really care about him, and you probably realize he might not easily replace you with someone else to take care of him. Then he'ld be a lost soul.

It's kind of late in life for therapy to do this man any good. He is not the least motivated to change, since he believes he is the one who is being abused by you and all the employers he has ever had and everyone else he has ever had to deal with.

I sure wouldn't worry about any threats from him that he's going to end the relationship. You should be so lucky.