I just want to vent. The therapeutic relationship is often intense, intimate, one of the most trusting and open relationships one will ever have. Mine has got my mind so darn screwed up I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone.

My T is leaving for vacation tomorrow. Anyone else in my life, it wouldn't be such a secret. Small talk about where you're going, etc. I can't even ASK her where she's going. I have before...but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. But I AM curious. Is she leaving the country? Is she going to do something amazing? I don't know. She didn't offer, and I couldn't bring myself to ask. I hate the one-sidedness. I know that's the way therapy is, but it's so hard for me to accept. Heck, I'd have NO problem asking my doctor or someone like that...if they mentioned they were going away, I'd say "oh where are you going?" Why can't I do this with my T?? It feels different. Like I don't deserve to know. I hate being curious.

Another example. I have some pictures I want to bring in...but I want to be able to explain them, but I'm afraid to ask her to sit by me on the couch so I CAN point people out and explain things. She used to not only sit by me, but hold me. She stopped doing that, and has said that even with no touch involved, she won't sit by me on the couch. So remembering that, I haven't brought the photos in because I'm afraid to ask her to sit by me for a couple of minutes while we go through them together. I wouldn't think TWICE about something like this with anyone else. I'd rather not share them at all than risk her saying no to sitting together so we can go through them together.

I'm afraid this "therapeutic relationship" is harming me more than it's helping me. I know the boundaries are in place for a reason, but how can one learn to not be hurt by them? I've been hurting for TOO DAMN LONG.

It feels like I have to dissect everything related to therapy. I have to be on guard, watch what I say.... I know it's just me. My T has been very good to me in other ways. She's an excellent T. I think it's more me, attachment/rejection issues that are far too hurtful for me to move past. Therapy is supposed to help all of that. Instead, I feel worse, because those feelings in me have more than doubled.

I hate how Ts are so elusive. I always thought I was. Now I'm feeling wide open, bleeding all over everything.