So I can now write in a brief moment of sanity i guess...

I'm just so tired, every time I get stressed or emotional, I get sick, If i get fatigued I get sick, writing this, I get sick.

First starts with confusion and some fealing of fear, mind goes blank, then I feel exhuasted. IE I got up this morning, felt refreshed after 12 hours of sleep finally, try to go get something to eat start and to walk over to the pantry, feel stressed, mind falls into a haze, forget what I was trying to do, then when mind clears up and I remember again, I'm exhausted, and turn back to sleep another 2 hours...

Even writing this, I am taking brief breaks, forgetting what I'm writing about, starting over again, becoming exhausted.

Been to many doctors over the past 7 years, psycologists, counselors, neurologists physicians... Been in a mental hospital 3 times... Had to go to the ER last week after I got too weak to stand up and collapsed in a Wendys fully concious the entire time, trapped in myself. The ems people measured my blood sugar which was normal, bloodtest was normal, potassium levels normal, while The doctors thoughts? Go see a
neurologist as he didnt know what it was... Too bad I have no insurance to go to one any longer since the last 3 times I've tried going to community college has failed when I was no longer able to concentrate on anything, no amount of adderall could help me and insurance doesnt cover those not students at my age of 22...

Bah, I keep having to reread this as I get tired and forget what I am trying to say...

Anyhow, I went on this medication, Imipramine, and it made the problem severely worse, I couldn't get out of bed without having an episode of weakness and so on, I had to have my mom help me out of the restuarant we were in as I was too weak to get up and just about collapsed there... I think now that they may be very mild seizures but I dont know, things dont quite add up, I've been researching partial paralysis and its causes and everything is ruled out now but that, as potassium levels are fine, blood sugar is fine,(both measured right after my last episode to the ER) but a seizure doesnt seem to be likely idk, I've had an eeg twice a MRI Cat and CT scan all showed up fine. My last few doctors just seemed to think I was imagining things or not taking medication properly...

Should I still keep trying to take the Imipramine? It feels as if another day of that and I'll be in the ER again... I dropped that and the paxil I was previously on and after a day, was dizzy, weak, my head was throbbing, and I was about to collapse and throw up, thought it was the flue but as soon as I took part of a paxil the dizzyness and queazyness is almost gone now...

I'm just so lost now, Its been so many years and nothing has changed, In fact my symptoms are getting worse, along with no insurance and a large medical bill from having to go to the ER. I cant hold a job and all of them have ended within weeks or months the same way, I get weak, cant think clearly and just drop to the floor. Sometimes I feel I'm just purposely getting sick, and the only way out of this is death... Only thing about death is I feel I died years ago, my soul seems gone and I doubt who I am and if what i think is real anymore... I can't kill myself, I am already dead... that and my family is probably the best and most supportive I could ever hope for, probably the only thing that keeps me alive right now. I'm so tired I cant hold conversations with friends anymore, I've been trying for months to get the strength to post on some forums as leaving my house by myself is near impossible these days. I've lost all my friends from this, I'm just too tired to even respond to them. If I were to see a girl that I liked, and wanted to talk to her, it triggers an episode and I have to run away before I collapse.

I feel so lonely, though I am surrounded by friends I cant talk to, as it triggers an episode sometimes mid sentence, then I have to get somewhere safe and sit out the rest of it and am exhausted when things normalize again...

I write this in hopes to more rationalize my situation. I dont have much time left. I only feel alive in my dreams when I sleep.