The big problem is I'm avoidant (AvPD), which is another Catch-22 - you can't allow yourself to be around people, but you still crave people. Along with extremely low self-esteem to the point that it makes no logical sense, anhedonia, which is an inability to feel pleasure, an absolute intolerance of being judged so that even compliments cut like a knife, and some other lovely stuff, all due to chronic emotional child abuse. Great, huh?

The depression is not part of the PD, but it is caused by the PD. Let me tell you, it's hell on earth to know exactly what you want and need, to know how to get it, for it to be such a common thing that everyone else, even the lowest of the low, gets it, but for some reason you're not eligible for it. Which feeds the negativity - mass murderers and child molesters and scum buckets are "good enough" for someone to care about them, but I'm not, so I must somehow be an even worse person than mass murderers and child molesters and scum buckets. See how that works?

And it frustrates people to hear that. I know that. I drive people away because they can't stand me running myself down.

Additionally, if someone actually breaks down my wall and gets me to trust them - which takes some work, believe me - then they have to deal with my "intense" devotion. I think that's normal, but apparently for most people their relationships are very casual, take it or leave it, superficial, I don't know how to describe it. It's like my casual is equivalent to the general populace's soul mate level. I think it's weird to have friendships based on talking about TV shows or something. Everything is deep with me - "intense." Normal.

I bring people down by being myself, so to be a decent person, I need to stay away from people. I either have to completely change myself and be something that I don't even understand and I don't personally think is an improvement, or I have to protect people from the effect I will have on them.

No wonder I'm depressed! lol