My friend died last wednesday, I knew it was going to happen, then on Tuesday another friend threw himself in front of a train. I'd not dealt with 2 deaths in such a short time frame, nor with 2 complete different deaths, one very brave and courageous and the other totally unbalanced emotionally.

I think this made me look at my own depression, my own times of unhappiness that seem to be a lot. I emailed T yesterday because I was having dark thoughts, wondering if throwing oneself in front of a train was a solution.

T said that though death may seem attractive, its not really, and in answer to my question, "why can't I be happy"? she replied, "you will be and are at times, and that is enough - REALLY!.

I think in my mind somewhere I was thinking I had to be happy 24/7, but we/I don't, just to know that the times I am is enought! What a simple thought.

I'm sad that there are so many different ways to live, to die, and I guess the only life I need to work on is mine, I can't control anyone elses, I'm not responsible for anyone elses, we can only do the best we can, "really"

What a relieve to not have to try and put that smile on each morning!! Hip hip horray!