my dissociation has been more calm over the last few years. as a result, i have also seen my psychiatrist a lot less and only really notice severe episodes of it here and there (more here the last year).

however, the last two times i have seen her this year, i have noticed some things after i left that i am not sure if it's mild dissociation or not. the first thing was i recall telling her that i hadn't been depressed much over the last few years...but that is not true at all. it confused me why i would have said that. the last thing that happened when seeing her was i told her about a traumatic event..rightfully, that would have caused a degree of dissociation...and after saying it, i kind of felt myself go a bit further away from myself, either inside or far away, but i heard myself whisper 'i don't know what's wrong with me.' that also confused me because i KNOW why i have issues.

i am trying not to read too much into those things, i just don't know if it means i am maybe a little more dissociative than i realize, especially when i see her. part of me is scared of her, part of me doesn't like her, and part of me does like her. it is also very confusing.

i did tell her if i saw her more, i'm afraid i would dissociate more even if nothing traumatic was talked about, and that was how it was for me in the past...i also don't know why seeing her more would cause it..it just is something i know would happen..