This is such a complex question, but I'll try to explain as best I can with my story...

There was something about my first therapist that I connected with almost instantly. I felt like I knew him from the first phone consult, and I was really excited to find a therapist that I was such a good 'fit' with. He also strongly resembled my father, which wasn't a good thing in retrospect because without getting into too much detail, I have deep 'father issues'.

As our therapy progressed, my T turned out to be the most loving, caring person I had ever met... or he had a really good therapeutic technique... Based on the physical similarities between him and my father, and the way our personalities seemed to just fit together, I fell head over heels in love with him in a paternalistic, non-sexual way. I felt alive again - like some kind of purpose and excitement was brought back into my life.

And then, the let-downs started. Therapy intensified, which only increased my strong feelings towards him. I was letting out my deeply troubling past, and he was comforting me - in his usual beautiful, gentle, nurturing way. Between sessions started becoming problematic. I felt like I couldn't function without him. His vacations sent me into a tailspin. I would send him really scared, emotional emails because of all the trauma feelings coming out, and sometimes he would reply and sometimes he wouldn't. I'd wait by my computer with bated breath. The only time I would be happy is when I was with him. All day before therapy felt like getting ready before a big date, and I'd cry all the way home when our therapy session was over. I couldn't focus at work. I became a zombie at home with my husband and two kids. I started doing really self-destructive things to deal with abandonment feelings.

And the SHAME. I hadn't found this board yet, and didn't have a clue what transference was. I couldn't believe I was feeling these things for a paid professional. All of this was unspeakable to anyone.

Thank god I found this board - you can look back at some of my first posts here - all were really emotional, confused, and hurt.

Anyway, after nearly a year, I had made very little progress. I decided to consult with a few other therapists, and found one that I thought I could work with. I got the courage through my second therapist to do what I knew deep down needed to be done - leave my first therapist. I had determined it was a totally unworkable situation that would have caused me years and years of pain to straighten out... IF it could be straightened out... and I started valuing myself in a way where I didn't want to torture myself anymore.

Then, I let the first therapist go. The grief was intense. I cried for about a week, and my new therapist was able to fit me in for some extra sessions throughout. The odd part was, even though I was deeply grieving, I also had a new found sense of empowerment and freedom. He was GONE. Which meant all the things that mattered before - holding tightly on to him, his vacation schedule, his other clients - became totally inconsequential. My deepest fear - losing him - was actualized, and I was still alive. I was breathing. I was still me. The world kept turning.

On to my second therapist - as expected, my issues, transferences etc do bubble up, but not with the same helpless desperation as with the first therapist. But it's a workable relationship, not a binding one. I can speak more freely, because I know that if this therapist leaves, I am strong enough to find someone else.

Anyway, hopefully this helps!!