Hi,

a few days ago i had a three hour session with an esteemed pychiatrist.
as usual, in my experience; pychiatrists are very to the point, and not always very emphatic. This However has helped me far more than i would ever have imagined.

however i'm kinda hurting,, emotionally; i feel more than a littlle bruised.
-> i know it is not what this forum is about...
but i've since the appointment begun tapering of Benzodiazepams (as advised {safely})

So that^ and i'm trying to stop smoking tobbacco at the same time,, I know this is a very tall order,, so the smoking may have to wait..
--
Now meds/substances aside

>

She asked me really cutting questions, and challenged all of my beliefs and while it's been quite liberating and empowering,, i'm really upset.
that in a way is the intended outcome, i think..
Being upset was inevitable, but it's when i decide to 'get even' that is the ultimate goal.

She asked me questions such as: 'why do you think the therapies haven't worked in the past,, your still ill, what would be any different in having more therapy - you've had enough CBT - what's the point in having more..?'

Now she was playing me, trying to coax out an answer.. and i didn't at the time have one; she even quaified - 'dont tell me that your problems are too severe'
She was asking more along the lines of: was it a lack of comitment?, do you actually want to get better?, were you to anxious to do the 'homework / application of what you've learnt' outside of the theraputic session/setting.?
e.t.c

^ i just can't get my head around it,,, i've always avoided thinking about things that deeply as it really upsets me,, i much prefer my little bubble.
Not that i don't want to be better, i just "can't do emotions" not negative one's anyway,,,, so i go to pretty extreme lenghts to avoid them: not limited to gaming for 13+ hours a day, or using drugs to numb everything...

i'm now ready to step outside my shell,,, or at least make a start.
But i feel bare, and i'm tearing up pretty much non-stop... emotionally painful..
(i felt like this during the appointment (before withdrawing , and since... this isn't just the withdrawal)

i've got so much incorrect thinking to shed, and bad habits to change...
I have i real sense of urgency, as i now know what i need to do,, but the biggest question she asked me, that i mentioned above..;
'Why.... Why haven't things worked / why didn't the improvemts i made maintained'
I still have no answers for.

all i can do is start to make changes,, but I Want to know why,,, and it wasn't an answer the pych knew,,,
Why is a tricky one.

anyhow, thanks for reading.
sorry i've kindo've been just writting down my thoughts in this post..

anything but used to feeling like this, i've kept myself as sheltered as possible.

Regards,
Circles5