thanks avlady, that is very true.
part of the problem,, that i did discuss with her is a have a 'bad person complex'

My dad has pretty severe NPD,,, and has really damaged our whole family...
him being my male role model,,,, has led to me being terrified of being like him..

i've for a long time 'not wanted to get better, as than i'd just be better able to hurt'
which is an incredibly destructive way of thinking, and shoots myself in the foot in terms of any chance of recovery..
My thinking is broken,,,,, i really do want to get better - but i don't know why i can't change the 'top of the pyramid'......
i seem bound by certain beliefs and thoughts which keep me from lasting recovery...