Quote:
Originally Posted by feralkittymom
I think it's hard to hear the word "fantasy" as not harsh. It just has connotations of "all in your head" and divorced from reality. But I think all relationships have elements of fantasy, in the more neutral sense of seeing attributes in the other that we choose to see (projections of our wants/needs perhaps). As long as the attributes aren't too far off the mark or destructive, and the other accepts and adopts them, the relationship benefits.
Maybe this is what is going on when people say a couple "grows together." Each makes a choice to modify their self ( in ways that don't conflict with core values) to become more of what the other wants/needs and it can lend stability to the relationship.
In a therapy relationship, the same dynamic can happen--and is maybe even heightened for a therapeutic purpose. It's more often unconscious for the client (and occasionally so for the T), but if the situation allows, the dynamic can become conscious and a lot can be learned through that process. While the purpose may be therapeutic, I don't believe that means the relationship is fake; on the contrary, I don't think therapy can be successful unless there are genuine feelings on both sides--even if they're often not the same feelings.
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I don't think this T is suggesting that anything is all in her head, just that what she once had doesn't exist anymore - at least not in the way that it once did. Spending a lot of time thinking or fantasizing about someone we have intense feelings for about and miss is totally normal. However, if you find yourself focusing on those thoughts rather than the here and now, then it's not healthy anymore; it's even worse if those thoughts keep you in a perpetual state of grief and sadness. Fantasy is not a negative term, but it this context it feels like it because we don't want to see it for what it is.
That being said, I don't think fantasy in "real" relationships after a certain point (like the "honeymoon phase") is always healthy, because it keeps blinders on us and we continue to block out the negative aspects of someone or aren't see something for what it really is. Learning to adopt certain untruths can keep one in an unhealthy, even abusive situation. Of course there are traits we don't like about every one, but I don't think we fantasize that they aren't there in healthy relationships, I think we learn to accept those traits.
So to me, growing with someone means a) We accept the reality of a person and they accept ours and we still like each other b) we both change in ways that complement each other and the relationship grows/ changes in a good way or c) we see the reality and don't like it or realize it not what we need anymore and we move on. Too much fantasy can keep someone stuck in limbo, hoping something will change or happen but it never does. That's when a reality check by someone we trust- T or someone else- can be helpful.