I'm not one to reach out for help online, but I've yet to find someone in my life who can relate to what I'm going through. I've been combating depression for as long as I can remember.

I've had a pretty rough upbringing as far as traumatic events are concerned. My father became a drug addict when I was 4, so my parents got divorced. My dad was an amazing person, he was caring and did everything he could for my sister and I, even at the expense of his own well being, but he couldn't kick his alcoholism and drug habits. Around the time I turned 20 I slowly started seeing my father die. He lost a ton of weight, started losing the use of his legs, and started having seizures. He ended up in the hospital one day and the doctors told us he wouldn't live much longer. Once he came to I got to spend a little time with him, but he ultimately ended up passing while I was out of state.

When I was fourteen my favorite uncle suffered from severe depression and ended up Needless to say, my past is pretty dark.

For years I've had trouble with emotions. I feel apathy or anger/sadness. Very rarely do I find myself feeling any sort of jollity. It's affected my relationships with almost everyone in my life. I can't open up and always feel like I'm putting up a façade. I've put on a mask of false optimism with the mind set of "fake it till you make it" for so long that I don't remember what it's like to be happy.

Now it's getting to the point where I psycho analyze everyone and I've come to realize that social interactions are bland and predictable, just mindless cries for attention or projections of people's insecurities. So I avoid social interaction as much as possible. And that makes me more sad. It's like an endless cycle that I don't know how to break.

Im not really looking for pity or anything. I'm here asking for a solution. If anyone has one, I'm all ears.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.