My dog and I went for a walk in the woods to clear my head. I found a four leaf clover on the way! Anyway, I thought about this post, and tried to do some soul searching. My T is wonderful in just about every way. I feel like she's made mistakes, yes, but I second guess myself....who says I'm right? And I also think, she's human, and any T can/will make mistakes with people. So I am taking the blame on myself, not that she made mistakes, but that I can't move past them. So I thought about why I can't move past them... I think it's because I haven't talked to her enough about it, to process it, to put the subject to bed. Ok, so keep following the line down, I thought of why I haven't talked to her enough about it. Why do I feel I can't? Well, because I'm afraid that if I keep talking about this, she will ultimately decide I can't let this go and that it affects my therapy and maybe I need to see someone else. I'm afraid if I keep bringing the subject up until I can really fully process and get over it that she'll terminate me. I'm so afraid of boundaries changing that it consumes me, I'm always looking for what's gonna change next. Like now this being the first vacation that she hasn't said I can check in. Well, it's also the first vacation since our rupture, so of course I think to myself this is yet another new boundary. I'm sure I'm just being oversensitive. She deserves to leave work here! And I wouldn't contact, but just knowing I can is helpful. Yes, I've felt very hurt by my T. But I also think back on how she has gone out of her way for me, and that makes me think I need to see the good, and let go of the bad. My T has rearranged her schedule for me in the past. She has kept my sessions even though she canceled all others when she was going through some stuff. Because she felt I needed them (she didn't tell me this till months later). She has ELIMINATED my copay. That's money that's not being put in her pocket. She knew things were rough financially, so first she reduced it, then she took it away completely. She has made herself available by text or Email ANYtime. And she has spent a great deal of her own time staying in touch with me. I see her twice a week, but she wants me to check in still, in between sessions. I feel guilty about that and don't always do it. So I feel like my T is available 24/7 if I need her. I've talked to her via text or Email on holidays, even on the day she got married last summer! She has made me feel 'thought about' by texting me pictures of things she knows I'll appreciate when she's on vacation. To get a text or Email from her in the middle of the night while she's on the other side of the world has been priceless for me. She doesn't get reimbursed for any of this. So, even though I whine about the things I think she's done wrong, I also don't mention all of the good, selfless things she has done for me. She says she's done nothing, but she has. Once she told me "you're just as important as anyone else, and more important than many." I'm pretty sure she is closer to me than she is many others, I don't know why, there's truly nothing special about me. I assume she feels sorry for my story, but I try to tell it in a way as not to get sympathy for it, because I don't want it. In fact, I'd rather just pick up right now and change my life moving forward, then revisit the things in the past. But she says I need to. I've told her things I've never told anyone, or written or said out loud. And that has made it easier for me to talk to others. My step brother (same age) molested me when we were just 9. I never spoke of it. But in talking about him, one day she said "I find something really interesting about your relationship with him." I felt like she sensed something...and that just came out. I never intended to tell anyone that. Just during my last session, I told her I keep alcohol stashed around the house. But I don't drink it. I just talk big and say I will. So there's something about a connection with someone who while in their presence, things just come out on their own. There are some things I'm holding back, and she knows that, but she doesn't push me. I feel like the problem is more me than her. Because people are going to make mistakes sometimes, even T's. I'm not an unforgiving person. But I've really found myself having big time issues with just letting this stuff go. It just hurt too much. Up until March, she was the most perfect T for me. She was everything I could have ever asked for. All of this is why I have a hard time letting her go. I guess I tend to focus more on the negative, the mistakes I feel she's made, than all of the good, selfless things she has done for me. Do I feel like I owe her? Well, it doesn't feel that way, but maybe. But more than that, I think about leaving, then I think about what my life would be like without seeing her, without having her to Email whenever I need, without getting those check in texts once in awhile, or a beautiful photo of a plant, and I think of how empty my life would be then. A therapist can't fill up my life... but if she can help it not feel so empty for right now, I'll certainly take it. Aside from her, and people here, I have no one to talk to. I've always been afraid of pushing people away by whining about my life. Depression has a hold on me very hard. And I feel like I've been pushing her away too. Lets face it, I have. I'm trying hard to make up for it by disclosing some pretty heavy things...but in the end, I still feel awful, only now moreso because I opened up a new can of worms with big disclosures.

I have been so thankful for people here, because I sure questioned myself....maybe I was overreacting, or being unreasonable. But people here took my stories as mistakes on her part also, which helped me not blame myself quite so much. But I think I really wish she would see just SOME of them as mistakes herself. I'm so sensitive to everything now. She was always RIGHT on time. I never had to worry about my session not starting on the hour. Lately it seems like she's slacking in that a bit. She has some clients she sees for a full hour (my sessions are 50 minutes, but I also see her twice a week). Clients she only sees once a month or so get a full hour. As do couples. So lately, it seems like the clients ahead of me have a full hour session. She'll get out late with them....apologize, then have to run to the rest room, and by the time my session gets going, it's nearly 10 after. Honestly, I don't mind. She's usually good at making up the time at the end of the session, and there have been times she's kept me a little longer than 50 minutes. But I just notice lately it's becoming more and more common, when it never used to happen at all. I'm just super sensitive to things right now.....I hate it.