This morning, I was really missing the man who abandoned me after 15 years together. I wrote about how I had forgiven him, and I just wished I knew how he was doing.

Apparently, the Universe got a good chuckle out of that! I started checking my email, and there was a Happy 4th of July animation from my brother. I hardly ever am in contact with my brother, because he says mean, disapproving things to me about my depression, my emotions, etc.

The address line included several email addresses in addition to mine, including that of my X. His email address is now Paulsiedwooch, a nickname only his new female girlfriend would come up with. My stomach immediately started to churn. I could feel the hurt.

I emailed my bro and asked him to put my email address in the BCC line where it can’t be seen, and said I don’t particularly like seeing the X's pet name from his new girlfriend.

I find it painful to be faced with the contrast between how my X immediately stepped into a new loving life and the years of loneliness, poverty, and depression I’ve endured. He had everything all set up so he could just step into a whole new life, and he just walked out on his old one, leaving me with financial responsibilities, a garage full of his crap to get rid, and a heart so broken, I could hardly get off the floor.

Is it possible to forgive and still experience the pain. Or was my fantasy of forgiveness immediately unveiled as a sham, almost in an instant. Interesting how that one got thrown back at me.

And now my bro is sure to write something sarcastic back to me, about how I have to let go of the past, blah, blah, blah, self-righteous arrogant know-it-all.