I'm so sorry about your friends, Mouse. I understand what you mean about your dark thoughts. I hope I am allowed to say this on here-- but a lot of times I have ideation, NOT because I really want to die, but because I can't think of any other way to make all this %#@&#! go away. I don't want to die, but I don't want to feel like this anymore. I hate the word 'happy.' I stopped saying I want to be 'happy' because I, too, think it implies that you have to feel that way all of the time.