It feels pointless. I mean, with this friend especially, I get put in a "no contact zone" and am back burnered. Every other person on the planet comes before me. I understand it. It's so much easier to deal with people on a non-personal level, where you can still be aloof. But it really solidifies my position as unworthy. People who are wholly selfishly motivated and even those who are on an outright mission to hurt my friend come before me at this time. I'm not like that, and yet I'm the one out in the cold. Therefore, my essence must be so bad that it's worse than all that mistreatment. Logically speaking.

As far as here - well, I'm just a drag. So really, the same thing comes into account. No one would want to interact with me, and if they were kind enough to try, I couldn't let them because I know what I would end up doing to them.

Actually, my doctor would have a cow that I'm talking at all on the forum. Giving people advice, okay, but talking about myself? According to her, that's a really bad sign. For me, that's like when suicidal people get to the point that they're giving their stuff away.

It's just hitting me hard at the moment. I will get to the point of acceptance again. Shut up and suck it up, because this is all I've got. And I'm not that bad off. I have the first two levels of the hierarchy of needs covered. That's better than a lot of people. I have no right to want what I cannot have. This episode will calm down again sooner or later.