Last year I was despairing, all the meds I tried were causing side effects that I just couldn't handle. Then I got to try a new med, different to other anti-depressants and although it isn't wonderful it helps a little, especially if my mood allows me to be a bit more energetic and self-caring. It seems to be a building block rather than a cure. The most important thing about this med is that it has realtively few side-effects for me.

Most of last year I stuggled to get a pdoc appointment, but after a long, hard wait I did get taken on by the Community Mental Health Team. At first the pdoc seemed nice and sympathetic, she understood my concerns about meds and gave me some options. Neither of us were keen to pursue them so I agreed to try some therapy.

Just before Christmas I got some bad news about my job and was told I would be laid off in April. That really knocked me for six and started to undo the limited success of my medication.

Then the therapy (which is a strictly time limited offering) really laid bare some issues of childhood trauma and neglect. Now that therapy is coming to an end and all the issues that have fallen out of therapy remain unresolved and it never even touched on improving the skills I need to manage my depression.

I've been back to the pdoc hoping for a change to my meds as my mood is worse than ever, I can't eat or drink much, my sleep is poor, I can't concentrate, I don't care about my appearance and I don't bother about hygeine too much. I si and I'm suicidal too. My pdoc won't consider changing my meds because she has to follow "the rules", this means NHS guidelines.

In the meanwhile, my employer decided not to lay me off but to use my mental illness as the way to get rid off me instead as it is a cheaper option for them. This means that for four months they will try to find me a new role, but if they can't find another job then they can sack me without notice and without a payout.

I am now so depressed that I can't work, but if I have time off then I'll scupper any chance of my employer finding a new job for me. I can't continue as I am as I have been making mistakes and taking days to do work that should only take hours. I feel such a failure but I have to take time off even though I am effectively signing my own dismissal papers.

To cap it all, my pdoc wants me to give up my driving licence.

So my job is gone, my therapy has finished, I've loads of issues that remain unresolved, my pdoc won't help with meds. I just wish I'd never bothered.

There aren't any solutions to this problem, my job has gone, I can't change pdocs (NHS bureaucracy) and there isn't any more therapy available. Meanwhile the urges are getting stronger.